Fans asked: Is the desire to share important in love? In my opinion, in an intimate relationship, the desire to share is extremely important! And the loss of love also starts with the decrease in the desire to share. If both parties have no desire to share each other, the relationship should be over. So today, the editor is here to give you tips! 4 tips to help you maintain your desire to share.
My friend said that day: I seem to have lost interest in sharing daily life with my boyfriend.
I asked what happened?
She told a story:
In the early days of her relationship, she and her boyfriend were in different places because of summer vacation.
One day, she made a hot pot appointment with Fa Xiao, whom she hadn’t seen for several years. Before eating, she had to go shopping and watch a movie as usual. During that time, she and Fa Xiao chatted for a long time and also talked about their respective lives. Boy friend.
When she mentioned her boyfriend, the corners of her mouth turned up unconsciously, and the smile on her brows and eyes could not be hidden at all, as if she was a little girl who fell in love.
But throughout the afternoon, Fa Xiao and her boyfriend were in contact almost all the time.
And what about my boyfriend? He ignored me throughout the whole process. Even after the party, I sent him a message. It took him a long time before he replied: You are home and playing games with me.
There is no harm without comparison.
Afterwards, she mentioned this matter to her boyfriend, but he said: Everyone needs their own space. I don’t want to care about you, and I hope you don’t care about me.
When we get along day after day, he says that he is a wild horse, that he wants to be free, that he will not compromise others, as long as he is happy.
My sister seems to think it makes sense, but she seems to think something is wrong.
We had a quarrel and he said I won’t let you cry.
He did what he said and did not make my sister cry, but that period of love was completely uninvolving.
Just like a cloudless day, there was only a gray cloud above her head - composed of loss, grievance and sadness.
Later, my sister asked me if she was being too pretentious like that?
I said: You are not children anymore, you cannot reply to messages immediately, and you cannot respond to everything. , which is also normal. Just be mature and considerate.
She was desperate: But we had nothing to say!
The two of them had dinner together the night before graduation and the New Year’s Eve. My sister wanted to be happy. I wanted to talk to him more, but the meal was very quiet. I wanted to share things at work with him, but I didn't get any positive response.
When they each returned home, he was very busy, so busy that he could only say "I am busy".
If things continue to develop, they won’t even be able to say such things anymore.
Inevitably,They broke up for good.
It took me a long time to tell my sister that he is not busy and does not want to talk to you.
He is not curious about what you are doing, he is not curious about your friends, he is not curious about your life, he is not curious about you, he just does not love you.
Is it necessary to continue this feeling of losing the desire to share?
When I have nothing to do, I will watch some TED videos. The name of the speech I shared today is "Today's Talk" Secrets for long-term partners to maintain their desire.”
The speaker is Esther Perel, a psychotherapist and sex therapist. She has been studying the contradictory relationships between marriage and family, love and sexual desire, and has more than 20 years of experience in couples psychotherapy.
The entire speech is divided into 4 parts.
1. What is the key to maintaining desire in a couple's relationship?
Love requires a sense of closeness, while maintaining desire requires a sense of distance.
Esther believes that people always tend to believe that love can provide absolute guarantee for desire. But in fact the two are even complete opposites.
On the one hand, love reflects our need for security, predictability, reliability, dependability, and eternity.
Desire, on the other hand, is stimulated by surprise, uncertainty and surprise.
People always have a strong desire for novel things, mystery, danger, risks, as well as the unknown, the unexpected and surprises. Just like traveling and traveling, we are always fascinated by new life.
In short, the key to maintaining mutual desire in a relationship is to coordinate two basic human needs: security vs. curiosity.
2. Do we have too high demands on our lovers?
Going back a few centuries, people just hoped to obtain some kind of cooperative relationship from marriage, such as children, Social status, inheritance, and forms of companionship.
But these days we require more from our partners.
They need to be both loving partners and passionate lovers.
At the same time, you have to make me feel that you are outstanding, mysterious and awe-inspiring, soothe me while stimulating me, give me freshness while maintaining intimacy, and make me live a stable life. It also needs to be able to surprise me during the day.
Come on, is it too much to ask a human to such a standard?
3. Close contact will also inhibit the expression of lust
In the contradiction between love and desire, what is puzzling are the nutrients that nourish love - mutual dependence and reciprocity., caring, worry, and responsibility for each other, these things can sometimes inhibit desire.
Because desire is a series of emotions that are not all love: such as jealousy, possessiveness, offense, power, dominance, playfulness, mischief, etc.
Lovers will inevitably wish that they were the more controlling party in the relationship at some point.
This is what people often say: it starts off as a frenzy. Because at the beginning, the intimacy was not so strong.
And it is precisely intimacy that weakens desire.
The closer the connection, the greater the responsibility.
Sometimes we are overwhelmed by excessive worries about relationships, too much sense of responsibility and desire for protection, and we don’t know how to let go, enjoy, experience pleasure, and let the other person enter our inner world.
This is because we think love is selfless, while desire is largely driven by our selfishness.
Selfishness is when you are with others, you only care about your own feelings.
4. When are you most eager to share?
Esther once visited more than 20 countries with a question. She asked people: "When are you most eager to be with your lover?" Together?"
She divided her answers into three types.
NO.1: The time when you most want to be with your lover is when your lover is not around, when you are separated, or when you reunite after a short break.
NO.2: When I see my lover radiant and confident.
NO.3: When I am surprised, when we laugh together.
You must know that in relationships, we need to accompany each other and feel close; we also need to go our separate ways and continue to grow.
On the one hand, it is so that we can miss each other in the distance;
On the other hand, it is also for ourselves, so that when we come back and reunite, we will have new stories to share with each other.
Of course I don’t care about the shape of the clouds, and I don’t care whether the milk tea shop on the roadside is open or not, and I don’t think there is anything to take pictures of if the rice is burnt.
All the meaningless things I have told you are essentially wanting you to completely enter my life and maintain a loving connection with me.
Because my daily life is too ordinary, but your presence makes them interesting to me.
